How did I stop binge eating and find food freedom?

Buckle up she’s a long one.

My story begins and ends with a jar of peanut butter…

In the beginning, that tub of nutty goodness was my “healthy” alternative to chocolate. I’d stand in the kitchen, spoon in one hand, peanut butter tub in the other, and I would just consume. Halfway through my peanut butter binge, I’d “wake up” feeling absolutely disgusted in myself, throw the rest of the jar in the trash, lie to myself that I’d never do it again…then go out and buy a new jar the next day. 

It wasn’t just peanut butter either. No snack in my kitchen was safe from the absolute gremlin I’d become when the cravings hit. Chips: devoured. Lollies: demolished. Ice-cream: no mercy.

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably felt it too: the compulsion to eat ALL THE THINGS. No matter what, everything must be eaten in the one go. It’s hard to describe the feeling to someone who’s never felt it, but it’s real and it’s all-consuming.

I hated it, but I couldn’t stop.

In high school I’d always had a sweet tooth, but the many unhealthy eating habits I had never seemed to end in any ill-effects. I wasn’t concerned about my weight or my health because my diet didn’t seem to affect it throughout those years. Sure, I was very self-conscious, but what teenage girl isn’t? Ignorance was bliss. Life was good.

It wasn’t until I went on a university exchange and came back 15kgs heavier that I was hit with the true extent of the unworthiness I’d branded myself with. I was embarrassed and ashamed and I wanted to hide away from the world forever.

It’s honestly astounding how little you know about your self-worth until you’re faced with a crisis. Then, you don’t know what to do with yourself. You begin to understand how much of your confidence is tied up in your physical appearance…but you don’t know how to stop the negativity from creeping in.

At that point, my relationship with food changed entirely. It became a fear, an obsession.

My hate for my new body outweighed my love for going out and being social. I looked for help in all the wrong places, comparing myself to strangers on Instagram and collecting pictures of skinny influencers as “inspiration”. I dreamt of losing all the weight and gaining my happiness and confidence back. While dreams are good to have, they don’t become reality unless you pair them with action.

 One day, I decided to take action. I despised myself and, in turn, I figured I needed to be punished. I whipped myself into shape with a combination of hardcore exercise, calorie counting, strict food rules, carb and fat avoidance and a range of other measures that, essentially, took over my life. I went all in, thinking it was the only way to “fix” myself for good.

 Even though I was ecstatic to see the numbers on the scale getting lower and lower as the months went on, all I could think about was food. The time and energy I used to put into study, creativity, friendships and fun was completely redirected to my obsession with lowering then maintaining my weight. At the time, it seemed worth it, but boy, did the reality of the situation hit hard when it all came crashing down.

It took a year for me to lose the excess weight I’d gained. A year of living a life that, on the surface, was full of determination, strength and eventual happiness, confidence and self-love. Deep down, I was completely terrified. I was terrified that I’d be spending the rest of my life in this food-obsessed, falsely confident dieting prison. I was terrified of food, but I still wasn’t completely free from the allure of indulgence. Occasionally I’d allow myself a scoop of ice-cream or a square of chocolate. Then, the guilt would take over and I’d feel disappointed in myself and talk down to myself, battering my already deflated self-confidence.

 I felt trapped, suffocating in compliments from loved ones that only spurred on the fear. How could I let all these people down by letting myself slip? I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

I did. 

Yep. I reached a breaking point when my life took an unexpected turn. My relationship at the time fell apart. I quit my Business Masters and left the country I was living in.

My motivation, confidence and happiness left me. I was empty. Guess what welcomed me back with open arms, beckoning me to use it to fill the void…

Yep. The food I’d abandoned, yet yearned for, for so long, was back by my side, soothing my heartache and numbing the pain.

I was a mess. Food became my best friend. I was emotionally eating like a champ. I was binge eating like never before. The chips, lollies and ice-cream were in easy reach and I had no need or want to start another crazy diet.

 So, I spiralled. I entered a black hole. I was diagnosed with depression, prescribed drugs that numbed me to my core. I wouldn’t ‘Netflix and chill’, I would ‘Netflix and hate everything about myself’. I was starting to feel like giving up was the only option.

 I remember laying on my bed one night, in the middle of winter, in a pile of chocolate wrappers, American Beauty style. Downton Abbey was my one true friend. That little Netflix notice popped up, asking me, “Are you still watching?” breaking me out of my binge-watching reverie. I realised, in that moment, that I didn’t want to keep watching. I mean, of course I wanted to keep watching Downton Abbey, but not like this. I was scared and alone and I didn’t want to spend my life afraid of food, numbed out on anti-depressants, barely surviving.

 This life was not for me.

 I was meant for more than this.

 I was sabotaging my own chances at happiness with the beliefs I held about food and my body.

 Maybe it was the inspirational acting talents of Dame Maggie Smith, motivating me to do something with my life, who knows, but something definitely changed in me that night.

 What if I could be happy?

 What if there was a way to break free of emotional and binge eating?

 What if I could have a healthy relationship with food?

 What if I did love my body?

 What is this weird feeling? Is this hope?

 And it was. For the first time in years, I was hopeful, and I believed in myself.

 I didn’t know my soul’s mission yet…but I knew the first step was breaking free of emotional and binge eating and healing my relationship with food.

There had to be an answer. I vowed to never go on another horrible diet or use hate as a weapon against my own body ever again.

This led me on a self-discovery quest into the wonders of holistic health, as well as spiritual and personal development. I was hungry for answers and with each new book, course and podcast I consumed, I gleaned a little more insight and tucked away a few more nuggets of wisdom.

 I was fascinated with the psychology of it all, the mind-body connection, spirituality, holistic nutrition, values and ethics, emotions, philosophy…

I began putting everything I learned into practice: making small lifestyle changes here and there, journaling about my feelings and past experiences, fueling my body with real nutrition, creating a new food story, shifting my beliefs to empowering ones. This time, I used positivity instead of negativity. I healed instead of hurt. I loved instead of hated. I felt…good.

My progress was slow yet steady, until I stumbled upon an amazing book that completely and utterly transformed my life. This book was The Slow Down Diet by Marc David. Every line of this book spoke to me. I felt I had finally found the missing piece to complete the puzzle I’d been working so hard to finish for so long.

By the time I got to the last page of the book, I was already sold on Marc’s approach to wellness so, when I saw an invitation to study at the Institute for the Psychology of Eating and become a Certified Eating Psychology Coach, it was a no-brainer. I didn’t know it at the time but his was my first real step to enlightenment, healing and being able to help others like me. This was my new and improved jar of peanut butter. I couldn’t get enough, but this time I didn’t hate myself for it.

During my training, I learned that my relationship with food was a mirror to the relationship I had with myself. They both lacked nourishment, self-love, self-respect and self-care. I discovered that I was sabotaging my efforts by thinking negative thoughts about food and my body, both of which were keeping me in a constant low-level stress response day-in and day-out. I learned that nourishment extends far beyond your plate. It’s not just WHAT you eat but HOW you eat.

My healing journey didn’t stop there. I kept learning. I kept feeding my soul with nourishing wisdom. I kept journaling and discovering myself. 

Layer by layer, I peeled away antiquated approaches to healthy living, freed myself from societal expectations and norms and began to trust my own body’s wisdom and let my intuition guide me. I created space within to discover my true desires and values. I began planning my dream life, setting goals and visualising my future.

Now, it’s been 6 years since I last binge-ate with an appetite that was fuelled by emotion.

I no longer feel out-of-control around food.  

I respect and appreciate my body rather than shaming and blaming it.

I feel happy in my body.

I eat ice-cream when I want to, and I love every spoonful of it (salted carmel is absolute heaven).

I enjoy moving my body in the ways that I love (walking and dancing).

Food is energy and nourishment, not an emotional Band-Aid.

My relationship with food is nurturing, wholesome and effortless.

I know how to manage my sadness, stress and emotions. I have adopted tools that work way more effectively and efficiently than numbing myself with food ever did. 

Food no longer interferes with the life I want to live.

In fact, I don’t even think about food at all anymore. I’m way too busy spending my precious time and energy creating my dream life full of happiness, abundance and joy.

I AM FREE.

Having overcome my own struggle, I feel deeply about helping others (that means you) to heal their relationship with food and body and break free from emotional and binge eating 

You can experience this food freedom for yourself and step into your happiest, healthiest, most confident self. Say goodbye to diets, restrictions, limiting beliefs and fears. Say hello to wholesome nutrition, self-love and a quality of life that surpasses anything you’ve ever imagined.

I promise to not only share comprehensive nutritional information and mind body science techniques, I also have a wealth of personal experience to guide you and support you on your own mind, body and soul healing journey.

You don’t have to struggle with this alone. I understand you. I have lived your story. I’ve found my happy ending – now it’s your turn.

Together, we will get to the root of your eating challenge by taking a holistic approach that integrates dynamic eating psychology wisdom and mind body nutrition principles, and deep diving into aspects of your story and personal life.

I can help you transform your mindset, shift your identity, perceptions and beliefs and rebuild your physiology. I will support you in implementing new healthy habits and lifestyle changes for sustainable, long-term results.

If my story resonated with you and you have your own to share, I’d love to connect - you can book a free food freedom consult here.